My Testimony Part 8: Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment
You can find the previous parts of my testimony here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. This will be the 8th part of my testimony about my relationship with my mom, and God's infinite mercy as demonstrated by our lives. This testimony will also provide some dreams and thoughts on whether or not the vaccinated can repent, as it relates to my mother's death bed repentance. Some minor details have been changed to protect my privacy, but they do not interfere with the morals or authenticity of this story. Photo Credit
This post is dedicated to Harry and Jordan, both of whom have recently been baptized. Congratulations!
Introduction - The Younger Years
When I was in my teens, my family made a life-altering move across the country. On the plane, I was naturally sobbing due to the fact that I was leaving everything and everyone I loved behind, and in that moment, my mom made a comment to me I would never forget. I pulled back my headphones to hear her emotionally open up to me for the first time in my life.
“I am sad, too, but I just don’t know how to express it the way you do. I was raised not to express my emotions. I was raised differently.”
For once, I was able to understand my mom, at least more than I had in the past. I was able to understand the years of what seemed to be emotional neglect, but in reality, she herself just could not access her own emotions properly. She was raised in a physically abusive home, full of emotional neglect also, so she was doing the best she could - I guess that is what she was trying to tell me on that fateful day on the plane. I still even remember the song I was listening to that day, with the strangely relevant lyrics, “Pull me out of the air crash…”
Despite my understanding, her emotionless disposition did still affect my childhood, and it meant I never received hugs, an “I love you”, or even really the words “Good job!” At an early age, I understood that my mom would not be able to offer these things to me, but she did physically take care of us. Indeed, we were always physically taken care of, and the house was always perfectly clean. Truly, that was the way she showed us love.
These testimonies are not meant to demonize my parents, but it is important for readers to understand their strengths and weaknesses and how these impacted me. For more about my dad, see this testimony, but let me continue with my mom.
My mom treated me a little better than my siblings, while my dad treated me worse than them. This seemed to create more of a balance in my life, though still distorted. Clearly, my mom’s lack of emotions inhibited our relationship, so we were never that close. However we bonded over some of the more superficial things in life, such as beauty.
My fondest memories of my mom are shopping with her, and she taught me how to be beautiful for little money. To this day, Witness 1 can vouch that people always compliment my style, but I wear clothes from thrift stores, and they are always inexpensive. It’s just one of my mom’s secrets she passed down to me. More than just style, though, my mom taught me to see the beauty in things, and if something was not beautiful - to make it beautiful. Because of her, I enjoy many hobbies where the pursuit is to show the beauty of the world, when others do not see it.
Despite our bonding when it came to beauty, my mom had many psychological issues. I remember she drank each weekend, and while she was never a full-blown alcoholic, this definitely influenced my own drinking habits as an adult, which you can read about in my testimony here.
Unfortunately, she was often cruel, too, in subtle ways. She had a dark and twisted sense of humor, and she enjoyed making fun of people and gossiping. When lying in bed at night, I often heard my parents gossiping about me - about everything wrong with me. Sometimes I'd yell "shut-up" through the walls, and they would just say, "Then stop listening!" It always really hurt me, but what could I do?
My mom also had a temper, and if our house was not perfectly clean, all hell would break loose. If she walked in the room, and a chair was out of place, she may go into a screaming fit for 20 minutes. I remember when I was a little girl, I spilled nail polish on our white carpet. Rather than tell my mom, I cut out the pieces of the carpet carefully with scissors. I did everything I could to avoid confrontation with her or face more of her yelling.
Moreover, she was highly critical of others, and her ocassional softness had a completely contrasting harshness that came at unexpected times. I never knew what kind of mood she would be in, and she screamed a lot - her screams often rang throughout the house, making me not want to be home. She often physically abused my siblings, and while sometimes I experienced the physicality of her wrath, my siblings received it much harder. In turn, my siblings would often abuse me physically because that is what they learned from my mom.
The truth of it all is that she was unhappy with herself, and though she put on a deceptive and charming appearance, emotionally she struggled. She was a truly unhappy woman. When I reflect, I have compassion on her, and I feel she had no outlet for her destructive emotions - just the occasional drink or screaming. Otherwise, she did not know how to manage these emotional outbursts.
Although she did not believe in God, I remember she brought a rosary to pray over when I was taking my driving test. These Catholic traditions were still strong in my family, despite little talk of God in our home growing up.
However, despite her flaws, my mom had a way with people, and many absolutely loved her. She was funny, mostly kind, and very bubbly. Again, she had problems that were buried deep within her soul, and I believe she had a mental illness that often manifested in dark ways, spurred by deep spiritual issues, which I will discuss in a moment.
You see, God does not forget our unrepentant sins, and neither do our souls. They always come up one way or another, so it is best to face them now, and my mom’s story is a lesson to those who feel that they can continue life without addressing their sins.
My Mom's Sins
I want to be clear here that I do love my mom and always will. Still, I want to paint her accurately, and I believe Jesus Christ has given me permission to do so. Now that I have my own family, I understand my mom much more, especially her crabbiness at times. Life is hard, after all, and we all have to have more mercy and grace for each other. I forgive my mom for anything and everything, and I appreciate that she raised me, took care of me, made sure I got braces, and generally supported my endeavors.
When I finally moved out and started my own life, that is when things rapidly went downhill for my mom, perhaps indicating an “empty nest” experience that so many mothers face when their children go on their own. We were still close, or as close as we would potentially be with her emotional distance, and I would call her every few days. In fact, I grew closer to her as an adult, and I truly feel I related much better to her than my dad.
Over time, my mom began to grow unusually fatigued, and at a routine doctor’s visit, it was discovered she actually may have cancer. After many tests, she was given the deadly diagnosis, and this was truly the turning point in her story.
Again, since my parents had no faith, this cancer diagnosis was essentially a death sentence to them. My parents were neurotic people, and I believe they had some tendencies toward obsessive compulsive disorder (as it honestly appears more 'boomers' do - see more about this here). I do not know if any readers know this, but many boomers tend to obsess about every little detail and demand perfection. It is one of their generational faults, and I am sure there are readers out there who can relate. On a somewhat related noted, one of my mom’s favorite movies was “Mommy Dearest”, and I recommend any curious readers check that one out, as I believe my mom was a little like the main, neurotic, perfectionistic character. I am not lying when I say my childhood was actually quite like the following scene, and my mom always laughed during this movie, almost sadistically, whenever we watched it. This is sincerely an example of something she might get mad about and go into a screaming rampage:
Going back to the main story line, although my mom and dad lived perfectly healthy lives, this did not prevent my mom's cancer. This experience, in fact, was what made me view sickness differently. While I understand there are environmental, genetic, and dietary factors that contribute to sickness, for once I started to see the more spiritual worldview.
It is important to note that my mom was one who often criticized what others looked like, especially if they were overweight. She was thin, ate well, exercised, and by all intents and purpose, she appeared healthy. She did everything right, at least by worldly expectations.
Yet, her soul wasn't right, and there was something dark brewing inside of her.
Readers may be thinking, “Are you saying cancer was her fault?”
No, not necessarily, but I believe it had a spiritual root, and I believe people have forgotten to look at the spiritual roots of sickness. We can never know for certain, at all times, why sickness manifests, but we can form conclusions. We have to examine if there is something in our spiritual lives contributing to sickness, which is what I have written here. After all, cancer did not run in my mom's family, and as I said, she lived a healthy life. She was young and appeared healthy, but she was left with a stage 3 cancer diagnosis.
My dad did not react well, to say the least. It was as if my mom was already dead, and we could not even celebrate Christmas that year. He kept telling my mom, essentially, she was close to death. This really pushed her over the edge psychologically. We are told in the Bible that our words can bring life or death, and the way my dad treated my mom during her cancer diagnosis is clear evidence of this. Telling an already mentally unwell person she is imminently going to die is not ideal, and his words seemed to be an actual curse upon her. On top of that, my mom had no faith or hope in anything, and at the time, I was not Christian and did not understand God, so I had no comfort for her.
Now when I visited, there was no more alcohol, laughter, or gossip, and though those are not all "good" things, the house was still lively in the past. Instead, there was now darkness, depression, and crying. I would walk into her dark bedroom, and I would do everything I could think of to cheer her up but to no avail. A doctor once said to us that she was the most depressed woman he had ever seen.
I pestered my dad to stop being so hopeless, and I explained that people had miraculous cancer recovery stories all of the time, but none of it worked.
It was to the point where my parents did not ask me to visit as much, and a spirit of death had encompassed the house. In order to understand the potential demons that had manifested in my childhood home, I ask you to check out this part of my testimony. To summarize, my dad was highly involved in the occult and communication with dark spirits, and I believe these beings had taken over the home. I just did not understand it at the time.
One day at work, I received another call, even worse than before. My mom had swallowed an entire bottle of pills in an attempt to kill herself.
I rushed to the ER to find my dad distraught. He showed me the suicide note which simply read, "I love you" [with each of our names] I'm so sorry." This was the day before she was going to meet with a doctor about life-saving surgery.
She miraculously lived, though she wouldn't consider it a miracle. When she woke up, she was screaming that she wanted to be thrown in front of a bus. I did not know how to react or what to do, but with each passing moment of these experiences I became more and more traumatized.
Then, the truth came out. She had been hiding a great sin for many years. She had cheated on my dad with someone he was very close to, and she was not sure if I was even my dad's daughter. She had been hiding this sin her entire marriage, and it finally manifested and exploded into her suicide attempt. To further explain, she thought she was being punished by God for the sin, and that is why she had cancer. I do not think this is how God works; however, I think her cancer was a result of spiritual darkness that she was not facing. I believe God would have forgiven her for her sins and offered her a different path, but she never asked Him - at least not then.
Unfortunately, this is when my drinking increased more heavily, that's for sure. That night, when I came home from the hospital, I was crying. My ex said, "You want to drink?" I said, "Of course. How else can I handle this?"
My Mom's Downward Spiral
Over the next few years, my mom went in and out of mental hospitals. She developed "psychotic delusions" and was convinced she was going to die any moment. Now that I reflect, some of this was labeled as psychotic, but now I am not so sure, and the rest of the story will make my thoughts more clear.
I spent many years visiting her in and out of the hospitals. It was devastating. Again, I still had not yet quite developed my understanding of prayer or even God. I was searching though.
There became a battle between my dad and me like never before. He often forbade me from seeing my mom, and he made it as difficult as possible for me to have visitation rights to see her. This is complicated, and I do not feel all the details are necessary. However, I never gave up.
My mom's physical appearance transformed, which taught me much about vanity and the world’s obsession with it. Now that she was sick, she wasn't strikingly beautiful, and it was as if people didn't care for her anymore because of this. Her own sisters mocked her and passed around photos of her, laughing about her appearance. Remember, my mom was very cruel about people’s physical appearances, and I think this is a lesson to readers not to judge what people look like on the outside. Remember, also, God judges our hearts. While there is nothing wrong with trying to look nice, the amount of stock our world places in appearances is Satanic, and I have written about that here.
She had gained a tremendous amount of weight due to her medications, and she started to develop more severe, inexplicable health issues. She was in utter agony every single moment, and all I could do to cope was drink some shots of vodka at night, though I remained a mostly functional alcoholic at this time.
I was still working, but as one can imagine, this situation really took a toll on me. I couldn't focus or concentrate well, and my mom would send me hundreds of texts a day because she was so anxious.
I really pray readers will not make fun of my mom or mock her, as we have some evil readers. (Witness 1 laughed at this part, haha). Jokes aside, I look at her with great compassion, and I understand that she didn't know God. She didn't understand. She was so lost, but none of us knew how to help her. Let us remember this (a reminder to me), when we are dealing with the lost.
She finally returned home, and every so often she would snap back into a normal personality. Trust me, she was on every drug imaginable, and none of it helped. She just laid in a dark, depressing room, but sometimes she would call me to vent.
When she did call, she would tell me about my dad's abuse and how much he hated me. She told me, more than anything or anyone, he hated me and ALWAYS brought me up. This was the core message of these calls.
This hurt, but I knew it was true. I was my dad's scapegoat for just about everything wrong in his life, and not knowing if I was his daughter - this made it easier.
He confessed later to my sisters that he wasn't sure he could love me because he didn't know if I was his daughter.
That broke my heart, but I now forgive it. My father is God. My brothers and sisters are those in Christ.
My Mom's Death Bed
My mom was no longer well enough to stay at home, and they moved her into a nursing home, and then, finally, hospice. There is more to this story about the progression of her sickness, but to summarize, I do not believe my dad took the correct actions to save her life, and he did everything possible so that I could not be involved in the decision-making. Witness 1 is my witness to this testimony.
In the last months of her life, this is when I finally learned about prayer and Christ. I was no longer a baby Christian, and though I had my own problems, I started to learn about the power of prayer.
I knew I no longer knew how to comfort her by my own volition. I would come to her bed, and there were always tears in her eyes - they never seemed to run out. At one point, they had to put restraints on her arms because she tried to escape. She was chained to her bed, and during Covid, she could barely have visitors. Let's just say I might have a slight vendetta against the Covid tyranny that happened. All I could do was lie on her and hug her as she cried.
She also had some type of tube set up so that she could barely speak or represent herself properly, so it was hard to know what was really happening to her when we were not there.
One night, I looked up "last rites rituals" online, trying to understand how to pray for her and make sure she could go to heaven.
After doing some research, I walked in, and I performed all of the rituals. To be more specific, these were just general prayers often said by a priest or pastor when someone is close to death. Though I was not ordained, I knew nobody else who would do it. My dad claimed a priest came, but I have no idea if that was true or not.
Now, my mom could barely talk anymore, and I can remember the never-ending sadness in her eyes. Her eyes were still youthful, crystal clear, despite her haggard appearance.
I asked, "Mom, do you believe in Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior?"
She said, "Yes," as she nodded her head.
I said, "Do you repent for all your sins and ask for forgiveness?"
She said, "Yes," and she nodded her head again.
I smiled and cried simultaneously, and I knew Jesus was there with her at that moment.
To note, they had previously vaccinated her, and every reader likely knows by now what we think about the vaccine. Personally, I believe she probably just nodded her head "Yes," and took it, not really knowing what it was. Also, she took it before she accepted Jesus as her savior. This note is important for later.
After that, I think it was as if she knew it was time for her life to end. Though there were so many things they could have done for my mom, my dad made it impossible. Knowing what I know now about my dad, I almost believe she was a ritual sacrifice for him, but that's for another story.
One day, they finally called us, and they said, "She's ready."
I drove over there, and we prayed over her. A Christian nurse showed up, and she died peacefully. There are so many things I wish could have been different, but I know she is out of her suffering now. I remember the last time I said "I love you" to her, and I am not sure if I truly cried about that moment until I was writing this, right now.
A Vision of Heaven
Of course, since I had witnessed my mom accepting Jesus on her deathbed, it brought me great comfort.
A little after her death, when I was going through a very difficult time in my life, I received one of my few visions from God. I do not often get visions - I receive most of my messages from God in dreams or spoken words.
I was laying in bed, and I couldn't sleep. It was as if I was in this world, but all of the sudden, I had access to another realm.
Now, just to note, I wasn't thinking about my mom because, honestly, it is hard to think about her. I had accepted her death, though I'm not sure if I have ever, even now, properly mourned, but this testimony is helping. For readers to fully understand, I was not constantly or obsessively thinking about her death. I was just completely numb.
Anyway, as I was laying there, I received a vision. My mom was wearing a glorious white gown, and she looked similar, but she was in her glorified form. She was in her perfection - not in a worldly way, but an otherwordly, heavenly way.
She came to me and said, "Witness 2, did you know you saved me from everlasting damnation? If you had not come to pray for me and do the salvation prayer at the hospital, I would not be here. You were the only one who did not give up on me spiritually. Thank you for saving me. I love you."
There was some allusion to the idea she was watching over me, and then I saw her with a group of other people I did not know - all beautifully dressed in white.
She started to walk away, laughing and smiling with them, and she looked at me one last time and smiled.
Is this vision proof that my mom is saved? Maybe not to everyone, but to me it is. It is also hope for the vaccinated, which leads to my next point. This song makes me think of this vision - that is the best way I can express it to readers.
"I saw God
In the skin of the fog"
(Go to 1 minute 50 seconds)
Hope for the Repentant Vaccinated
I truly cannot believe the amount of unvaxxed Christians I see condemning others to hell. That's a dangerous game, and I wouldn't play it. Besides the tremendous amount of writing we have done on the topic, I wanted to share what Jesus has revealed to me recently in dreams.
The other day, my vaccinated, repentant friend Harry messaged me that he was worried because of a video I posted, about the vaccinated not being able to repent. Though I clarified I did not agree with the overarching message of the video, it still made him nervous.
He asked me, "Didn't you say your mom was vaccinated and repented on her death bed?"
I realized then that it was time to write this testimony.
I told him about this post I am writing, and I said I would pray before bed for any guidance from God on the matter. I asked Jesus Christ to send me dreams to provide comfort for Harry, and He did.
That night I received some intriguing dreams.
In the first part of the dream, I was in a previous part of my life, a part where I knew Jesus Christ but was denying Him in many ways. I knew this was the past because I was with my ex at a party, and I don't party anymore - at least not in a debaucherous way. In the dream, I was enjoying my party life and shots of vodka.
I entered the room, and Satan himself was serving me alcohol. Yes, he was the one providing me with my drinks. He was represented as a man, with an appearance like Anton LaVey, and for some reason I just knew he was Satan in my dream, or at least a representation of him. He kept serving me shots, and honestly, all I really cared about in the dream was if he would refill my drink.
I went to the couch, and my ex was kissing another girl, which really hurt me, but I just figured, then, I could be with another man, too. Seth Rogan was next to me (I know, I know, lol), and I was participating in sexually immoral behavior with him, which I will not go into details about. It was weird.
At the party, I continued to approach Satan for shots. He was in complete control over me with them, and I didn’t mind. I was enjoying the party, and then I went into another room where I met some girls from my past.
In the room, I discovered that these girls were unvaccinated. I was very excited, and we were talking about how great it was that we were unvaccinated.
But wait a minute - wasn’t I engaging in such disgusting sin, such as excessively drinking and sexual immorality? I was being a hypocrite!
What did it matter that I was unvaxxed when I was acting in such destestable ways to the Lord? I had no right to superiority, and God used this dream to give an important message to readers.
Many, many unvaccinated readers are engaging in sin on a daily basis, yet they are condemning the vaxxed to hell. That is ridiculous.
In that dream, I had no right to condemn anyone, as I engaged in disgusting sins.
Now, one can claim, “But I am righteous, so I have a right to judge,” and again, Jesus explained we should be extremely careful with our judgments, and remember we have all been guilty of sin. Even if living righteously, it is better to err on the safe side and avoid judging others unless necessary. Again, I am not saying that there is never a time for righteous judgment, and perhaps even the two witnesses themselves are allowed to judge the Earth on some level; hence them sending plagues and such. So, yes we can judge with righteous judgment - if we ourselves are living righteously. Still, we should all be extremely careful in the judgments we make overall. If anyone is sinning, then they have no right to judge. It's that simple.
Moreover, when it comes to condemning others to hell, I do not think we have a right in general. I do not think anyone has a right to condemn another human to hell. As Jesus has reminded me, He will judge the world.
So, then, going back to the vaccinated repenting, I believe the vision of my mom in Heaven is at least some proof there will be mercy for the repentant vaccinated. Although my mom lived a life of great sin and she was vaccinated, I believe she has been forgiven. Just to note, I understand the Judgment has not happened yet, but time is different for God. So, for the sake of clarity, I believe my mom either has been forgiven already, or she will be. Either way, God will have mercy on her. Time is just different with God and our human perspectives are limited.
Unfortunately, I cannot tell anyone reading that I know for certain whether someone is saved or not. That is not my job. However, if God took a wretch like me, or Saul, or David, or millions of others, and showed us mercy, then I know His mercy is endless, and He will have mercy on whom He has mercy.
If we are the two witnesses, and time will tell, I believe we are here to tell the world that the vaccinated can indeed repent and possibly be forgiven. This is perhaps why the dragon is at war with the woman. She is offering mercy to the marked, and this enrages him. I said perhaps. Either way, if my writings prove over time to be right, then I stand by my proclamation that the vaccinated can, indeed, repent.
Still, even if we are somehow wrong, I remind readers to be extremely careful about the judgment they are giving out. This is a message and reminder to us all as Christians.
God reminds me that He has forgiven me, and His mercy is not just for a few. He wishes that no one will perish.
In my next dream, I was with a homosexual man, which I believe was a reference to a man I talk to now, a friend of mine. This man is repentant in real life. In the dream, he was surrounded by many mocking me, but he seemed intrigued by me, like he wanted help. He came to me and asked me what was the secret of Jesus Christ. I said, “Forgive everyone. Immediately. Right away. Always forgive and forgive and forgive. Never stop forgiving."
Now, why did I have this dream in correlation with the other? Well, I believe this is another example of what God wants to remind us about each other. For one, in the dream, the homosexual man was seen as very willing to please God and wanting to change his life. While the ones around him engaged in sin and excuses, he wanted to change. God smiles upon anyone trying to change their lives. The angels rejoice!
Instead of worrying about what the others were doing, he was focused on his own salvation and trying to get right with God. He wasn't concerning himself too much with judging the wrongs of others - just fixing himself.
In real life, I do think this man is doing a great job, and God wanted me to give him a shout-out in writing. Keep up the awesome work.
The point of this dream, I think, it to keep focused on judging our own salvation. While we should, of course, preach and try to save people, on Judgment Day, we will only be with ourselves in front of Jesus Christ.
Again, I am not talking about trying to save people. We should all do that.
However, if we spend our days judging the world and doing absolutely nothing to help others, then we are just as guilty as the ones we judge.
For the repentant man in my dream, he has not only changed, but he is also trying to help others.
That is what we should always set out to do.
Conclusion
It was really hard to write this testimony. It took me several days, and I did not even want to write it. This isn't the full story, but over time, the pieces of the puzzle will come together.
The message of this story is mercy and forgiveness. God has mercy on us, and we should have mercy on others. I have written this before, but mercy triumphs over judgment:
- because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment.
The mercy we give others is the mercy we receive. If we are merciful to others, then Jesus Christ will be merciful to us on Judgment Day.
This isn't just about forgiving others, though it can be.
It is about giving people grace. I really am not sure how to end this other than to give an example of grace.
In our real life ministry, there were once two women (who are no longer in it), who would sometimes contribute donations. One time, I thanked them publicly at our meeting for the donations, and then after, they told me that I had angered them because I am not supposed to reveal that they had donated.
They were referencing the Bible verse about giving in secret, which I understood, but my intention was loving. Further, they were not the ones announcing it, but it was me, so that did not violate the verse. It made me sad after the meeting, and I felt they did not act in love or grace.
Later, I saw how someone with the Holy Spirit operated with grace. There is a member of our real life ministry who I consider one of my best friends. He is just this guy who always stands up for me, no matter what. Yes, he knows I am married, and he has a girlfriend and his own life. Believe it or not, people can like me (I think lol).
Anyway, he donated about $25 to our ministry, which is all he seriously had. I announced it on our page, and I thanked him so we could buy some bibles. He was elated!
He didn't get mad about me announcing, and he was so excited for weeks. Honestly, it was so childlike and endearing, and it made me feel so happy!
Instead of acting like the Pharisees, and quoting some verse, he just operated in love with me.
So many forget love and mercy because they are obsessed with rules and judgment.
Now, don't get me wrong - there is a time for rules and judgment, but they should not triumph over Jesus's perfect love and mercy, which gets twisted by people.
This is a complicated subject, but when in doubt, pray to Jesus about how to have correct love and mercy for others. He will show you.
Well, whenever I listen to the following song, it makes me feel a little of what Heaven will be like. I am praying to see my mom again in Heaven, and I am praying to see you all there, too, where the skies are perhaps "Caribbean Blue."
If there are any errors in this post, by the way, please have a little grace and mercy. It wasn't easy to write : )
God bless you all in the name of Jesus Christ,
- Witness 2