My Testimony Part 7: Overcoming the Satanic, Neurotic World
You can find the previous parts of my testimony here, here, here, here, here, and here. This will be the 7th part of my testimony on never being "enough" for Satan, and finally realizing my identity in Jesus Christ - I am enough for Him.
Growing up, one of the shows I used to watch consistently was Seinfeld. Most readers know Seinfeld is a show about "nothing", focused on the obsession of the meaninglessness of life. The characters of Seinfeld never change, never grow, and never transform. They are round, interesting characters, but they are static, much like the people in the world today, who never grow or change, NPCs even.
In fact, Seinfeld had a tremendous influence on modern, Babylonian culture, with Larry David as the King of "Neurotic Zen."
Now, I'm not here to blame the show Seinfeld for the all the problems of the world, though one cannot deny the influence movies and television have on people. Seinfeld, undoubtedly, had and has great cultural impact, even if you have never watched it. Shows like these shape the consciousness of the world, of what is acceptable behavior. Neuroticism became largely acceptable through the glamorization of it in shows like Seinfeld.
I'm not here to obsess about the show, however. Rather, I want readers to reflect on how many people today operate in a Seinfeld-esque world, where nothing means everything, but nobody cares about what truly matters: God and what He wants.
At the heart of Seinfeld, and the culture of modern Babylon, is an emphasis on chasing after something that is never quite enough. Jerry and his friends can never find the right people, the right places, or the right experiences. With everything, they are dissatisfied and full of complaint, and the problem isn't them - no, it's other people. The show is about always being dissastified no matter what is offered or provided to a person in the world. The show glorifies an ungrateful attitude, and today, I would say this sort of ingratitude is one of the most prominent attributes of the modern Babylonian. Nothing is ever enough.
When I look at the world today, it is just as vapid as the show, or worse. Instead of doing an analysis on this empty Seinfeld or this empty world, I wanted to show part of my testimony I haven't shown yet, one characterized by the neuroses of others that became neuroses in me.
First, let us define neuroses:
- Neuroses are characterized by anxiety, depression, or other feelings of unhappiness or distress that are out of proportion to the circumstances of a person’s life. They may impair a person’s functioning in virtually any area of his life, relationships, or external affairs, but they are not severe enough to incapacitate the person. Affected patients generally do not suffer from the loss of the sense of reality seen in persons with psychoses.
Larry David exemplifies these types of neuroses in his character and his real life, and he makes it acceptable through television shows like Seinfeld. The world has become part of this "Neurotic Zen", where everything has to be perfect but is never perfect. As Larry David teaches us, there is always something to complain about. Of course, let us not pinpoint this all on Larry David. Rather, it Satan who teaches this idea, and many in Hollywood follow it - there is always something that could be better, right? We are never to be satisifed.
In my childhood, I can only define everyone around me as neurotic. In fact, if I could diagnosis Babylon, I would diagnose most people with neuroses: Babylonian Neuroses. They are anxious, depressed, obsessive, and although they are functioning, they are never quite fulfilled. In other words, nothing is ever quite "enough."
I want to exemplify this neurotic Babylonian condition with readers through another part of my testimony. Here is what I want readers to understand: When you follow Satan, you are never enough, and nothing is ever enough, and that is why the neurotic world rules today. Nothing is ever good enough for Satan, but there is one way and only one way to overcome: Jesus Christ.
My Neurotic Childhood
My earliest memories can be characterized by never feeling good enough. I was a very active, skinny child. One day, my dad walked into the restroom, and he accidentally caught me sitting on the toilet. Later that day, I heard him tell my mother my thighs were fat. I couldn't be more than 7 years old. He said, "You know, her thighs were just gigantic!" Why was my dad still ruminating on that hours later, even if it was true? Even that is neurotic.
I remember desperately rubbing lotion on my thighs, after that, asking God to make them skinny.
However, I was really, really a skinny girl! My thighs were not fat. I was completely fine, but my dad made sure, with comments like that, that I never felt good enough. The neighborhood kids would actually make fun of me for being too skinny, and my siblings would call me Powder, because I was so white and blonde. At an early age, I learned my appearance wasn't very pleasing - or good enough - for those around me.
As I have written before, I put a lot of effort into school, as my escape from a family I did not seem good enough for most of the time. I remember one day proudly bringing my report card home to my parents - all As. As for my mom, she didn't really care about academic things, so I showed it to my dad and he just said, "You know, they spelled your name wrong." And that was that. Because of that one error, he didn't see how my grades were good enough. It was like he was always looking for something wrong.
At the wealthy school I attended, there was so much emphasis placed on looks and appearance. I went shopping for the best clothes, and I spent a lot of time trying to be good enough for those around me. In class one day, the boy in front of me turned around and said, "Didn't you wear those pants a few days ago?" Now, I laugh because why would this boy even notice this, but at the time I was just irritated. I just wasn't enough for these rich, white people.
At home, it was never clean enough. My mom was always cleaning, obsessively, and quite neurotically. If even a chair was out of place or not pushed into the table properly, it could easily make her fall into a tantrum. Nothing was ever clean enough, perfect enough in our home, and she was never happy. I stayed away from home as much as I could and got a job as soon as possible.
Still, in my teens I maintained a good self-esteem despite the world not finding me good enough. I had an innocence to me at the time. Despite everyone being miserable and unhappy, I never let it touch me. I was enjoying my life, getting good grades, and having fun with my friends. I learned to easily forgive, but I stayed away from a lot of people.
What I probably didn't understand at the time is subconsciously, these ideas of not being "good enough" were put into me. These were not just in my environment, but they were in movies and music, too.
Ultimately, I just wanted to know someone loved me for who I was, which is when I met a boy, my first real boyfriend. Though I had dated boys before him, this was my first serious relationship in high school.
I want readers to understand that I viewed this boy as a sort of savior. He loved me just for me! He didn't complain about me, and in fact, he told me compliments all of the time. He made me feel like the most beautiful and special girl in the world - for a few years. We had so many cherished times together, and I thought we were in love. I even waited to lose my virginity to him, as I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. I seriously thought I was going to marry him, and that he was in love with me, too.
I thought I finally found someone I was "enough" for, and I was elated...for a time.
Unfortunately, my family had moved locations, and though we tried to maintain a long distance relationship, we grew apart.
I remember a friend called me to tell me that he was cheating on me. This guy friend liked me, so I thought he was lying, and I didn't want to believe him. I wanted to remain in my delusion, though my heart knew that something was up.
I decided to log onto his social media one day, since I had his password. I saw the messages to a girl that they had hung out, and he alluded to them kissing. In that moment remember my heart shattering. If I didn't have him, who could love me?
It fractured me, and from that point on, I decided I was not "enough." I even believe my sexuality was influenced at this point, and I developed terrible, traumatizing sexual fantasies of being cheated on. I am not glorifying this, and it took me years to break a sick fetish. The fantasy, essentially, rested on me never being beautiful or good enough for any man. It's really just sick and cruel, and to this day I have to pray for God to fight any thought like that in my head. To this day, I think a lot of sexual "fetishes" or "ideas" come from trauma. I will expand on this in another post.
In essence, I came to the conclusion that he must have cheated on me because there was something not good enough about me for him, whether I wasn't pretty enough, or cool enough, or special enough. I never considered that maybe he was just a jerk or we were young and foolish. The problem was me.
Just so readers know, I forgive him now, but I now understand why God likely intended for us to be with one person and get married. It took me years to overcome the trauma of this person, though I know we were young and reckless. I hold nothing against him anymore, truly.
Again, I don't love him anymore or anything like that, but even to this day, this man appears in my dreams as a representation of not being good enough. I am not sure what was so powerful about this relationship other than he just broke my heart. To this day, I have to pray against whatever spirit was left with me through this situation. Remember, it started earlier with my childhood and my dad, and even now, I have to pray against it, but I will go back to how I have conquered this at the end of this post.
After he broke my heart, I stopped eating, and I became thinner than ever before - not to improve my looks, but I was sincerely clincially depressed. It was like he was my only hope. If he didn't love me, who could?
Remember from my other testimonies, I didn't really feel loved by my parents. I was seeking love so desperately, so I think that this first boyfriend became my idol. I thought he would fulfill every part of love for me and I would be with him forever. That obviously wasn't true.
After this big breakup, I started to develop neurotic behaviors. I started picking my skin obsessively.
In fact, I was always known to have clear and delicate skin, but one day, I just started strangely obsessing over perceived flaws in my skin.
I would pick at my skin for hours, as almost a form of self-torture. Then, I would cover up my skin with a lot of make-up, as there were now red marks and even scars. One time, after one of my exes beat me, I picked a hole in my forehead so severe I seriously considered going to the hospital! I was on a skiing trip, and I covered it up with my hat. As one can see, the skin picking was somehow related to trauma and stress. I actually still have the scar today, though no one would notice but me, and it has faded. I guess even scars can heal and fade.
I was now at a different school, and I did not fit in at all. After a big and traumatic move, I had lost all my friends, my boyfriend, and now, my self-esteem.
A boy I had a crush on turned to me once, and he asked, "Why do you wear so much makeup?" It was so humiliating, but what do I tell them? I'm torturing myself and my skin is damaged? I didn't know why I was doing what I was doing. That is a part of neurotic behavior.
You know, if you ever see a girl with bad skin or wearing lots of makeup, just never comment on it. It's probably the worst thing you can ever do. Anyway...
So, I wasn't eating, and I was picking my skin. Still, I focused all my efforts on my grades, and I became obsessive about always being the best academically. It was my new idol and my only escape. To note, I started to develop a panic disorder at this time, which I will write about in another part of my testimony.
As mentioned in previous testimonies, I finished all my degrees with perfect grades, Summa Cum Laude, awards, and accolades. School was always my back-up idol, I guess.
It took me a while to get over this break-up with my first boyfriend, but I finally did. Still, I was now a different person, one who didn't feel confident or beautiful enough. I was now traumatized, and I developed severe trust issues. Remember, this wasn't just about my first boyfriend, but the issues I had with my dad, as well. Then, I fell into an abusive relationship, in which I was nearly murdered. Please read my previous testimonies for more information on all of this, but now let me skip ahead a few years.
I met another man. These men were like my saviours. I was always searching for a man to save me.
I was back on track. I was doing great in school, in work, and I was back into love. I had found a man to complete me again.
At this point, though, I started to develop another neurotic behavior. I finally had overcome my skin-picking. Instead of picking at it, when I became stressed, I started running, and my skin became clear and beautiful again, and I decided to make up for lost time. However, I had a new idol: being beautiful.
I became obsessed with beauty. Although I had always cared about beauty, it had reached a new level. I wanted to be perfect. Again, my skin cleared up from the skin picking, and I then became obsessed with being the perfect weight and having the perfect style. The neuroticism had spread to another area. I wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world for my boyfriend and for everyone around me.
I received a lot of attention, but it was never enough. Again, I was now emulating what I hated so much about growing up. Yes, I was with a man, but I needed constant validation. I wanted every man to think I was the most beautiful woman in the world. I wanted attention where I went, and I dressed for that attention. I had many men after me. Do you see any women like that today? Chances are, they are trying to fill something empty inside of themselves, like I was.
Basically, the neuroses I had experienced as a child now became a part of me in various ways. At the center of these neuroses was never feeling good enough, so I would obsesively find ways to feel good enough, but it never lasted. I had a passion for getting men to fall in love with me, though it never truly fulfilled me. I have repented for these actions, and in another testimony, I will go deeper into all of this.
I thought being beautiful would fullfll the emptiness in me. In fact, I am sure you can see that is true of many women today.
It started to get odd. Though I never quite developed anorexia, I definitely had disordered eating. I weighed myself daily, and if I went up even a few points on the scale, it would ruin my whole day. I tracked my calories quite carefully, but it was not in a healthy way. I started to develop a completely distorted view of my image. Pictures of me, at the time, would show I was thin and lovely, but I saw something completely different.
My habits became increasingly neutoric.
I became specifically obsessed with my stomach and how it appeared. Sometimes, and this is seriously insane, I would wear my pants in the shower because I didn't want to look at my stomach. I was so disgusted with myself, even though I was perfectly thin and beautiful.
Readers, please have mercy on me, as revealing things like this is embarrassing. To note, in the shower, I would just find a way to wash myself but not look at myself. It became neurotic about my looks and developed body dysmporphic disorder.
Still, I functioned, and that is what people do not understand about this condition of "neurotic" never enough-ness. You can function, and nothing really appears wrong to others. By all intents and purposes, I looked happy and healthy, especially on social media.
To the world, nothing seemed wrong, but my soul was in serious danger.
I continued with my strange beauty obsessesion, and I still wanted to please my parents, too.
As an adult, I remember I would visit my parents and bring them gifts, but they always had a critique. I bought my mom a simple, but lovely cross necklace, and she didn't even say thank you. She just said, "The chain isn't long enough." I always tried to buy them gifts to make them feel I was good enough, but it never worked.
I tried new things, seeking my identity, and I even obtained the lead role in the town play! This was very exciting to me, and I felt beautiful and memorized my lines and recited them eloquently.
I invited my family, and my dad said, "Make sure you don't watch the videos of you. You won't like it."
What? I was so proud of my accomplishments, but there we were again - I wasn't enough.
There were always comments like this made by my family to make me question myself - whether I was enough or not - throughout my life.
This also continued at work. There were years I put everything I could into work, planning huge events and taking on large tasks. Afterwards, I was always met with critcism, no matter how successful my events turned out to be. People could never just say, "Good work!" They always had to make my efforts feel inadequate.
You may say the problem is me, or that I am reading too much into things, but Witness 1 can vouch that these stories are true. He has witnessed many of them. He has always been floored by how many people are cruel to me, making sure to say strange and condescending things to me. My new belief is that I have the Holy Spirit, and the demons in many people make them act that way.
Going back to the story, I, too, became neurotic like the world around me wanted me to be. The neuroses of the world had finally rubbed off on me, and now I was depressed, anxious, and obsessive, but still functioning.
My newfound neurosis was partly the reason I started drinking. Drinking was the only time I felt good enough, at least temporaily. I let go of all the standards of the world, and I would escape into oblivion.
Though I could sit here all day and tell readers about the times I was made to feel insecure or not enough, I think you all get the point. I am not rehashing any of this to make readers feel sorry for me. In fact, I am sure many readers can relate in different ways, on the times they were led to feel never quite enough. I forgive all those who ever harmed me, and I am no longer affected by the events in the same way. I am free through Jesus Christ, which I will talk about at the end of this post.
For Satan and his world, we are not and never could be enough. For the world, no matter how successful I was, no matter how beautiful I was, no matter how much I invested into the world - I was never enough - and I could never be enough. Satan is never pleased, yet he is the god many worship, unknowingly. He is the god many try to please unknowingly. He also works through people to further his agenda. How many people do you know who exhibit his qualties unknowingly?
When people worship or idolize any aspect of the world, they are, by default, idolizing Satan and his ways, whether they realize it or not.
When I worshipped beauty, I was worshipping Satan and his ways because that is what he cares about. That is what he tells people to care about, anyway. Satan, was once beautiful, but he lost it all and now forever grieves that, but he doesn't understand the inner beauty that God wanted him to have.
Before writing this testimony, I watched this NDE experience about an anorexic woman who met Jesus Christ. Upon meeting Him, she said, "You are handsome!" He said, "Thank you, but appearance isn't the most important thing in the world." And they both laughed. I laughed, too, because I understand now.
I loved this testimony, and that is why I love Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ doesn't tell us we can't think about beauty or things of the world - no! Still, he tells what is important and what matters.
The things of this world are fleeting, and when we love the world and the things of it, we are at enmity with God.
Even when I write this blog, do you know how many people tell me my writing isn't enough? My testimonies aren't enough - that they didn't like the way I said this or the way I said that. Still, I know what I write is enough for Jesus Christ, and that's what matters. Those who are not of this world, perhaps, understand what I write better.
So, if, at this moment, you feel you are not enough, there may be still something in you that is idolizing the world. Do not take this as a judgment or criticism, but reflect on the possibility that you may have something you are loving too much in this world. Why? To Jesus Christ, you are enough. Or, on the other end, are you the critic? Do you tell people they are not good enough in one way or another?
To provide examples, if you feel not enough for other people, then you are placing too much importance on them and their thoughts of you. You are idolizing them. If you feel not beautiful or handsome enough, you are placing importance on the standards of beauty of the world - not what God thinks is beautiful (your heart). If you feel you do not own enough or have enough money, you are then looking at what the world values - not what God values.
On the other end of the spectrum, do you make your friends, partners, or loved ones feel good enough?
Now, I am not saying we should all just be content and not improve ourselves in any way. However, first, before we can truly improve ourselves, we must drop what is not important to God. We must drop our idolization of the wordly things, so we can find out what God wants us to value.
When I found Jesus Christ, I can't say I automatically felt "enough." It took me years to break the bonds of the world, and it took me years to break my idols. However, with each passing idol I broke, I felt more full and complete than ever. I finally became enough and am enough through Jesus Christ!
In a moment we will explore that topic more, but let me share some verses with readers, so we can ensure what I write is biblical.
- Romans 12:2: Do not be conformed to this world,[a] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.[b]
- James 4:4: You adulterous people![a] Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.
- 1 John 2:15 - 17: 15 Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life[a]—is not from the Father but is from the world. 17 And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.
- 1 John 5:19: We know that we are from God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one.
- 1 John 3:13: Do not be surprised, brothers, that the world hates you.
It is clear that we are not to love this world, and one reason for this is we will never be enough for this world. That is why so many are so depressed, anxious, and incomplete. They are trying to be enough for a world that will never find them enough.
Seriously consider that if you are not feeling the peace and joy of Jesus Christ, then it is possible that you are still hanging on to something of the world.
With the world, I could never be happy. My work, my boyfriends, my things - they couldn't fulfill me.
This leads to the next, and final part, of this specific testimony.
Giving Up the World
To recap my life, I started to go down a dangerous path. I grew more depressed and drank more. I was with the wrong man. I was at a job I hated. I was trying to please so many people who didn't like me anyway. I was not enough for the world, and the world was killing me.
Over the years, I tried so desperately to fix my broken life. I thought that a better job in a new location would fix everything.
It didn't.
The problem wasn't that I needed to try to fix the world around me. The problem was that I needed to fix my soul.
The day that I quit a specific job is the day that changed me forever. I have written about this before, so I won't go too deeply into it, but everyone was so angry at me. The world was angry at me.
That morning, I woke up, and God told me, "Quit this job, or it will kill you."
He was right. Without telling Witness 1, I emailed the boss and I quit. I don't think I even followed the correct protocols.
The explosion wasn't good, but from that moment on, I was free, or I was at the beginning of my path to freedom.
I faced what I feared the most: everyone hating me or thinking less of me.
I let them hate me and think less of me. I let people ridicule me.
To be clear, this wasn't just about the job. There was much more going on. The job was just the center of it all, as my career had always defined me.
So, from that moment on, I thought, "I am going to live the way God wants me to live."
The next few years I was giving up things left and right. I was giving up people. Materials. Stuff. I let go of all the attachments that never made me feel good enough, and I focused on the one person who always did: Jesus Christ.
It was not overnight. As I mentioned earlier, even to this day, those feelings creep in.
But I am going to write myself a reminder through this post. I am enough for God. By the way, the recent Barbie movie has some line about being enough, but it's about being enough for the world. The message is missing God, as it always is!
Recently, I was watching some YouTube reels, when I came across the possibilty of Jim Carrey becoming Christian, how suffering led him to the Lord. There are some who think he has become Christian, and it is possible. He does seem to have changed. Although I am suspicious of anyone in Hollywood, I really loved this recent interview where he says one important thing. "I am enough."
In the interview, they asked him why he was retiring. Didn't he want to do more? He replied by saying he had done enough, and he is enough.
Again, I do not know if he is truly Christian, but the message is correct. We are enough in Christ.
If we follow Jesus Christ, we are enough.
Now, am I telling readers to give up on everything and not do anything anymore?
Absolutely not!
However, I am telling readers to go back to the one person you can please: Jesus Christ!
He is very clear on how we please Him, and that is by following Him. When we choose to follow Him, that is enough! He will tell us what we need to do, and He will encourage us. He will always motivate us, and He will never tell us we are not good enough.
In fact, once I finally started to feel like I am "enough", I was so much more motivated. I am now free! I think I am pretty enough, and I have more fun with beauty because I am not idolizing it. I mean, I am not sure if the world would find me beautiful, and that is okay. My Father in Heaven thinks I'm beautiful, scars and all. Further, I think I am smart enough, and I try to help and teach others. I think I am enough for Jesus, and He helps me love myself. I have so much more joy in my life because I am not constantly worried about not being enough.
When I try to improve, I go to God and ask how. He lovingly shows me, like the perfect father He is, and He never makes me feel insecure or embarrassed. He corrects me and helps me be who He wants me to be.
So, again, this post isn't about self-improvement for the sake of self-improvement, which is what the world teaches. Rather, it is about going against the self-improvement that the world offers and choosing the self-improvement God offers - through the soul.
When you improve through Christ, you give up a lot! You become more generous.You may lose friends and things. You may become more minimalisitc. You improve by sacrificing and giving up.
For the world, it always wants more, or Satan does, anyway. More riches, more stuff...more, more, more.
I would argue that with Jesus, you want less of the "stuff" and only more love.
So, today, I am enough for Christ, and so are you. No matter what readers may feel about me, I know that Jesus Christ likes what I write. Why? It is the truth, and He is the truth. No matter what the world may think of you or me, aren't we enough for Jesus Christ?
Whatever or whoever has told you today that you are not enough, rebuke it in the name of Jesus Christ. Ask Jesus Christ how you can be the person He wants you to be at this very moment, and you will always be enough for Him.
- Dear Father in Heaven,
- I ask you to help all readers see that they are enough in you, Jesus Christ. At this moment, show them how to change their lives and get rid of the things that are making them feel depressed, anxious, or lost. God I pray fire upon any neuroses that exist in readers, and I ask for their freedom, in Jesus's name! Help readers overcome the Neurotic, Satanic world!
I pray this post helps readers in Jesus's name.
On one of the most materialistic holidays of the year, what better day to proclaim, "I am enough through Jesus Christ!"
To wrap up this testimony, I am not saying we do not have improvement to make. I am saying that I could not improve until I lost the worldly things holding me back. Now that I am not constantly surrounded by evil, I can do the things Jesus Christ truly wants me to do, and that makes my soul and heart beautiful, doesn't it?
- Witness 2