My Testimony Part 16: Nullifying Nihilism - My Journey to Truth
This is part 16 of my testimony, and you can read all the other parts here. In my childhood, I was presented with theories of the paranormal, Buddhism, nihilism, and even quantum reality. Somehow, someway, this all led me to the truth of Jesus Christ and the vast conspiracy of the evil that truly ran the world. Here is one part of my testimony.
Introduction - Ghosts
From a young age, the paranormal was discussed often in my home, sometimes on a daily basis. My dad often told me stories of ghosts from his childhood, and there were times I even witnessed apparitions in my own house. He had stories of a "white lady in the dark of the night" that always haunted me. Still, my dad taught me that ghosts were good and benevolent, and that we could access them. He told me he wanted to help bring ghosts to "the other side." To note, I am not here to prove ghosts are real; rather, I am just sharing my true testimony. It is important readers read with an open mind and prayer and discern.
For whatever reason, my father did not share this knowledge with my siblings, but he introduced me to foundations of Hinduism, Buddhism, and more at a young age. By the age of 12, I had read foundational texts of eastern religions, and one day when I came home from school, I found a packet about zero point energy on my bed. I dutifully read it and considered it. One has to imagine that is a heavy topic for a girl at my age, but I took it seriously. Essentially, my dad was trying to teach me the power of energy and manipulation of it, on some level.
When I reflect, my dad wanted to "convert" me to his beliefs and understandings. I looked up to him, so I followed what he said, assuming it was likely the truth. I would say his beliefs centered around "all is energy" and "the law of one." Later, I would understand that this was all rooted in the occult, but it felt good on its surface. In fact, much of these occult beliefs stem from the same origins: Babylon:
For certain, my dad did not like Jesus Christ, and from an early age, he led me to believe all Christians were stupid, ignorant, and hypocritical. I, too, learned to hate Christians, and I often spent time arguing with them in my teens, mocking their faith and beliefs. I spent some time in atheism, but I had to admit, ultimately, there was probably something higher than ourselves, and I settled on agnosticism for a while. Still, I completely dismissed Christianity from the get-go, not even giving it a chance. In my defense, the Christians around me were pretty hypocritical, and I thought their actions were enough to justify that their religion was likely false. Now I understand the importance of modeling what we believe because others are watching.
Going back to ghosts, part of the reason I started to believe in God is because I was able to access the paranormal. My dad started to take me on "ghost hunts", and he showed me how to communicate with ghosts and other beings. He told me that there was something "special" about me which allowed me to access them, but in reality, I believe there was a more sinister plot against me, which I will get back to later.
One day, he insisted on communicating with some type of "shadow man" that he believed lived in our house. We sat there, he put on a voice recorder, and he said some type of "prayer" to open ourselves up to communicate with the ghosts in the room. He then asked that if any type of "shadow man" was there that it to enter my body. Truthfully, I felt this shadow man enter me and ran out of the room in panic. Whether or not it really happened is up to readers to discern, but now that I am a Christian, I understand that some time of demon entered me that day, leading to some long spiritual war with my father over the years. This testimony cannot and will not be finished in a day - that's for sure. Let's just say it took years to break free from whatever evil entered me that day.
Moving on, after that session, we played back the audio recordings, and we could hear the spirits communicate with us, one calling me a b*tch and saying he wanted to kill me. I really did not know what to think.
For certain, I was no longer an atheist, and I developed my dad's spiritual philosophy for several years. This philosophy centered on the Bhagavad Gita as a central text, which I read several times. My dad taught me to meditate, how to use energy, and he told me that hell was not real and did not logically make sense. I listened to my dad's arguments, and I believed them overall.
Still, something in me was left dissatisfied. Something wasn't right. To note, I now see ghosts differently than I used to in the past, and here is just a glimpse of some of my ideas on ghosts. All of the occult texts I studied and read came in handy later. I now use my knowledge to prove Christianity is true and all other belief systems are false!
However, in the next section, we will get back to the testimony.
Facing Evil
As I progressed through life, I started to see its evil and wickedness. As I was coming out of my childhood innocence, I was led into abusive relationships, especially with men. in one specific relationship, I barely came out alive, ultimately being beat to a pulp every other week. I barely escaped that relationship, but it made me question my beliefs.
Not only did I see the evil in the world, but I saw the evil in different organizations, especially as I developed more greatly in my career. I saw corruption, injustice, and sabotage. I saw the wicked hearts of both women and men. I saw evil around me, and I wanted answers.
Buddhism was at my central belief system at the time. I found Buddhism to be closest to the truth, and I spent a lot of time studying its literature, with men such as Thich Nhat Hanh inspiring me.
One day, though, I ran into some issues with Buddhism, Hinduism, and the other eastern philosophies I was following. Essentially, there seemed to be some type of reincarnation/rebirth system, where you are reborn and reborn and reborn until you reach some type of self-completion or actualization - what they call "enlightenment." It seemed as though one could be evil forever and ever. Sure, you may be born into a bad life or something, but since there were endless opportunities to reborn, it didn't seem to matter. I do understand that that I am greatly generalizing these belief systems, and that what I have written may not summarize them to the fullest extent. Still, the point is this: I was dissatisfied with the answers of these philosophies, which essentially were leading me to a sense of nihilism or that "nothing really mattered."
I sunk into a deep depression. I decided to spend as much time as possible studying every religious system that existed. I mean it - I studied, and I could not find any religion that answered this question perfectly: What was to be done about evil? Where was the justice?
I was longing for justice in a wicked world.
The eastern beliefs led me to nihilism, and the new age beliefs seemed to act as though evil didn't really exist with subjective morality systems. They were "flowery" covers for a harsh reality, and I wanted to know why reality was so harsh. I wanted to know why the world sometimes seemed like hell. I wanted answers.
From my experiences with the paranormal, I knew that something higher than myself existed, and if it was God, why was there so much evil? Why was I so lonely? Why was I so depressed? I wanted answers.
Everything but Jesus Christ
I spent hours investigating, but there was one religion I kept ignoring: Christianity. I had a programmed hatred of Christianity, and I recalled the mockery of my parents considering Him. Surely, Jesus Christ was a fairytale. That couldn't be the answer.
One day, I was laying on my couch, and I remember specifically I was wearing a polka dot top, lounging, relaxed, and ready to open my mind to the truth. For the first time, I started looking into some different sites rather than the normal mainstream news. I wanted something different. I was scrolling through a conspiracy site, and I started to see one theme: Satan was at the top of nearly every conspiracy.
I started to see that when it came to "child pedophile rings" or the "one percent" or "vaccines" or otherwise, Satan seemed behind all motivations. Even if the "normies" didn't believe in the power of Satan, many people did, especially the "elite," and many worshipped him in one way or another, whether it be Lucifer or some other form.
I sat there in awe. Why didn't these other religious systems talk about Satan? What was I not understanding about him? Surely, if Satan was real, then, was Jesus Christ real?
This is where my reality shattered. I knew it was time. I had to open that Bible and start reading for myself.
I avoided it to the fullest extent. I was an avid reader, but I never gave the Bible a chance.
I decided it was time to read it from the first chapter: Genesis and on.
I have to admit that as I read it, I became transformed. I was skeptical, critiquing every aspect of it, trying to find any flaw, but with the help with my friend, John, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus Christ Himself, I started to see it as the perfect Word. I was a writer myself, and I saw its beauty, its thematic ties, and its eloquence. I couldn't deny it. There was something special about this book.
Facing Wickedness
Though I was delving into the Word fully, I wasn't living a better life. I was engaged in sin and coping with a traumatic past. I had to face some things about my dad and childhood that will be saved for another time. I had to face great trauma from relationships and my own sin. I had to face my drinking habits, my vanity, and my pride. I had to face my idols, my worldliness, and my own wickedness. I had to face myself first.
Clearly, this did not happen overnight. On the weekends, I liked to party, and truly, at the root of my partying was a loneliness - a desperation - a longing. I overdrank, went to bed, and I awoke with tremendous anxiety. Was I having a panic attack? A heart attack? What was going on?
This was the first time I had faced consequences for my weekends of debauchery. Though I wasn't a full addict at the time, I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I have no doubt that my journey reading the Bible was bringing me closer to God and His discipline.
Out of nowhere, my vision started to become blurry, and I wasn't sure if I was going to die. In an act of desperation, I prayed this prayer:
Jesus Christ, if you are real, show me now, and I will honor you and worship you forever.
In that very moment, my vision returned to normal, and the entire room was filled with a feeling of love that I had never experienced - a love I had been seeking my whole life. This was the true love of Jesus Christ, and I felt His warmth and comfort. It only lasted a few moments, but I would never forget it.
In that moment, I knew He was real, but then I remembered the most important part of my prayer: I will worship you forever.
Obeying Him
No - I did not change in a night, and it has been a wild journey to where I am now. I will post testimonies about it over time.
Basically, I had to give up a life of sin, cast out the demons in myself, and face my past. I had to forsake the world, my own family, and all of my idols. It took years of fasting, prayer, and supplication. It wasn't an instant change. It was a true journey of hardship, at times where I barely survived.
Luckily, I didn't have any influence on my views of Christ. I read the Bible as it was, and while I started attending church, I had a clear view of the Bible because I had no preconceived notions of it. I truly was a blank slate taking in all of Scripture.
What I have found is the Christianity that currently presented to the world isn't the true Jesus Christ. It is what I would call a "rainbow" Christianity that is simple, easy, and without the cross:
I am now spending my time trying to bring back the cross to Christianity - not just mercy and grace - but also obedience, sacrifice, and even discipline if needed.
It's a narrow path, and not all will find it. Right now we have churches that are too loose, and then we have churches that have become legalistic Pharisees. We have churches riddled in false doctrine to please their itching ears, and we have churches completely denying the end times or saying Christians will somehow evade all suffering. We have many Christians obsessed with their own doctrines or the doctrines of demons and men.
Most of all, I want to bring back hope, love, and faith. I sense people have grown so comfortable that they have a false hope, a false, love, and a false faith. I believe it is time to show Christians that true faith and love in Jesus Christ is a great risk but worth it.
Of course, it will take me time to write on all these topics. I only hope I can share as much as possible to help and aid other believers. I thank anyone who took the time to read this, and I promise you more is coming!
With the true love of Jesus Christ,
Witness 2