My Testimony Part 3: Overcoming Abuse
How will we as Christians face coming persecution? My testimony may help some out there.
This is a "live" series of my testimony. You can find the first parts here, here, and here. These chapters will all come together and be compiled into a book when I am finished, but there are many chapters!
My Testimony Part 3: Overcoming Abuse
When I was in my early 20s, I fell into a relationship with a man who I thought was everything I needed. At the beginning of the relationship, he showered me with gifts and affection. He made me believe I was the most beautiful and special woman in the world. For the purpose of this post, I will call him Levi. My therapist later in life explained that I had easily fallen into abusive relationships because of the patterns of abuse in my childhood. I also now understood that what he was doing was typical in abusive relationships - a form of love bombing.
I kept a journal of my experiences during this time, and it is important to note that I did not know Jesus Christ during this relationship. In this testimony, I’d like to include excerpts from this journal to show you what type of mindset I had. This is from the beginning of the journal:
Writing has always been my solace, and what is interesting about this journal is that I never once mentioned Levi beating me - at least not at the beginning. It’s interesting, though, that you can clearly see that I am depressed and insecure, but I live in two worlds.
If anybody understands anything about abuse, this is very common. In order to cope with trauma, a person can take on many personalities, and while I don’t think I had multiple personality disorder, I definitely experienced dissociation during my beatings. I also coped with the beatings by pretending they simply never happened. I had this dark part of me I just hid from the world, while on the surface everything seemed fine. I excelled in all areas of life outwardly, and this was just my "little" dark secret.
So, the first time he hit me, let’s just say, I was in shock. We had an argument over him inviting his ex to a party. Out of nowhere, he grabbed a broomstick, and he started profusely hitting me with it. I ran into the kitchen screaming, and honestly, it was all blurry other than my screams. Even when I think of it now, I remember moments of it, but I don't remember all of it.
This is what happens during trauma - you often escape your physical body and some of the memories are blurry or even erased.
I remember it was the most pain I had ever experienced in my life at the point, and with that thought in my mind as I was being beat, it's like I couldn't comprehend the pain any longer. I disassociated on some level when I realized I could not handle the pain.
I ran into his bathroom to escape, and he broke down the door and punched a hole in the wall. I had nowhere else to run, and eventually he grew exhausted and stopped.
There were bruises all over my body - interestingly, though, not on my face or anywhere noticeable. All of the bruises could be covered up with clothes, which it almost seemed like he knew what he was doing.
And he did. His parents beat him his entire life. So, that is what he learned. This is not to excuse his behavior - it is just often how abuse continues generationally.
That night, I expected him to say sorry or anything like that, but he didn’t. I didn’t know what to think.
You see, he was my knight and shining armor, the one who I thought had rescued me from my childhood. I didn't want to return home, as I didn't get along with my parents, and I had nowhere to go. I was a waitress at this time, and I couldn't afford my own place to live. I simply felt trapped.
In the most darkest, strange statement I could make, it was almost like I would just take the beatings so I didn't have to be around my dad. His family became my family, and they were really the only family I had. Here is an another excerpt from my journal at the time, where I am clearly seeking something more, something spiritual:
You can see, at this time, I was not Christian. I was exploring spirituality and seeking God, but I never prayed or understood God in any way. I knew a lot about things of the spiritual world, but I didn't know about God.
Anyway, as most of you probably figured, this wasn't the last time he beat me. I know this may sound strange to some, but God really wanted me to detail the abuse I went through in this post. I understand if it may be hard to read, but I promise I always end with a message of hope. I am alive now, after all, and I did escape it all.
Levi was a drinker, but at the time, I didn't drink. He had hidden bottles all over his room. One night, he decided to dump them all out, in an attempt to get sober, and we heard loud footsteps walking away. Nobody was home. I knew that demons surrounded his alcohol, and of course, when he drank, things always got worse.
So, he did have periods where he attempted to be sober, but that didn't last long.
One night, we were in his room, and I said something to anger him, and I have no memory of what that was. Out of nowhere, he just startled strangling me! I had never been strangled before, and I certainly did not know how to react or escape the situation.
So, the thing about strangling is that it can be deadly, and honestly, it is the way many women die in abusive relationships. He continued to strangle me and I was about to lose consciousness, and then, his mother and sister entered the room. He stopped.
This was one of the scariest times because I was very close to death. Had he continued, I think he would have killed me.
As you can see here, I am clearly depressed, but I never state why. I say I'm out of control, but I won't tell the truth as to why.
When it comes to trauma and abuse, this is the duplicity of the mind that often develops. This is something that I think happens on a large scale in our society, especially after Covid.
You see, even if you didn't have the same experience I did, you have been MKUltra'd intentionally by the government. MKUltra wasn't just some random experiment and then it stopped. It is now happening at a societal level - we are all being MKUltra'd.
When you look at my experience, you can see that I was being traumatized and disassociating. According to this source:
"Monarch programmers cause intense trauma to subjects through the use of electroshock, torture, abuse and mind games in order to force them to dissociate from reality – a natural response in some people when they are faced with unbearable pain. The subject’s ability to dissociate is a major requirement and it is, apparently, most readily found in children that come from families with multiple generations of abuse. Mental dissociation enables the handlers to create walled-off personas in the subject’s psyche, which can then be programmed and triggered at will."
Now, I am not claiming that Levi was my MKUltra handler at this time; however, he was using tactics to control me that were extremely similar to what I have read about in MKUltra. In the same way, many can relate to these abuse tactics that have been done at a societal level for many years, and I will go back to this at the end of this writing.
The reason I am writing this is so that you can understand the cognitive dissonance happening around you. Despite tremendous abuse at the hands of the government, people are in complete and utter denial. You see this especially with the vaccines. Understand that these people are victims of trauma, but remember, that victimization is not an excuse. I will go into this later. What I want you to understand is that many deal with trauma simply by pretending it doesn't exist. This is what you are seeing with those around you, and it what happened to me.
However, you know the trauma exists, and you are facing it. You are rising beyond the victimhood, which is extremely painful.
Now, back to my testimony...
So, the abuse became more and more consistent and I actually grew used to it. At a certain point, I knew it would happen again, and I just knew I had no escape. I had no escape plan, and I had nowhere to go but home. So, I tolerated it.
He often grew angry when we drove, and he would do terrifying things while he drove me around. He would drive as fast as possible and almost crash into a brick wall, for example. He would drop me off in the middle of nowhere and drive off, leaving me there to walks miles home. He would drive to the liquor store and make me go in and get him liquor or else he would punch me. He would punch me while he drove or while I was driving.
As time progressed, my soul felt like it was leaving my body in a general sense. I felt despondent and depleted. He had control over me in a way I couldn't understand at the time but fear was at the center of it. I knew if I left him, he would kill me. As you can see here, I am starting to face things in my writing, but I am never fully clear about the extent of his abuse:
You see, deep down, I knew I wasn't in love with him anymore. I was trying to convince myself I was, but I wasn't.
On one of the most brutal nights of torture, he picked me up, after drinking, and he drove me out to the middle of nowhere.
He told me to get out of his car. I listened. He got out a metal bar, and he started beating me as I screamed and screamed.
I will never forget this moment because I remember thinking, "I am going to die." My soul felt as though it was leaving my body literally this time.
I didn't think to pray. I didn't do anything. He had some type of control over me that I cannot explain. Remember, I was abused as a child, and this was just a continuation of that abuse. For whatever reason, he finally stopped.
This type of abuse went on for about three years, with varying degrees. Sometimes it was a punch in the arm, sometimes it was more.
At the time, I became obviously very deeply depressed. I remember that we were lying in his bed, and his room was a mess. I remember I didn't care anymore even about where I put my dirty tampon - just on the ground. I just didn't have the energy or motivation to care.
His mom walked in the room and started screaming at me, saying that blood was sacred and I shouldn't treat my blood like that. I guess she was right, but I didn't know God or didn't know myself, and I didn't care.
Interestingly, his parents were both Jehovah's Witnesses, and this made me dislike the concept of God even more. Such organizations are dangerous, as they do not preach the full truth, and then, they give a false concept of Christianity. They, for example, do not believe in the divinity of Jesus. When I went to their churches, and I didn't understand Jesus, I always felt a lack of love. I couldn't explain it then, but now I understand.
As time grew on, the sex with Levi became stranger and more disgusting, too. Again, I can never be quite honest with myself in my writing here, but I do believe I am referring to a gross sexual act here:
Further, strange, demonic activity started to happen around the house, but I didn't understand it at the time:
As the journal progresses, it seems I finally start to grow more honest, but I never detail the extent of the abuse. However, admitting he hit me in this section shows that I am growing ready to face the truth.
And here is where the journal ends:
This shows my state of life at the time.
Now, I did eventually escape this relationship.
One day, Levi was pretty heavily drunk, and he hit me in front of his mom and aunt. They did nothing to stop the situation, and I realized that he was eventually going to kill me.
I called up a friend of mine, who I actually was secretly in love with. This man helped me escape this relationship and led me into safety.
Now, the story of that man is for another time and place, but I want to explain why I wrote this depressing story in the first place.
Hope in Suffering
That time I had with Levi taught me a lot. Now, for more context about him, he was completely impoverished. In my relationship with him, we often did not have enough to eat, warm water, or really, enough of anything.
I grew up pretty middle class, so this was the first time I understood what it felt to go without.
Despite Levi's immense torture of me, I seriously loved his family. I loved his grandma and grandpa, and I spent a lot of time with them. I loved his mom and dad, despite their severe issues and dysfunction. I guess I was seeking family, and though it was so terribly dysfunctional, I felt it was better than being alone.
Still, what I didn't have at the time was Jesus Christ. Had I known Jesus, I think I would have escaped much more quickly and led a much different path in life.
However, I believe this situation was important in shaping me for many reasons. For one, it taught me to treat others the way I wanted to be treated, as Jesus explains. Levi abused me for no reason, and I had suffered because of it. Now I know to never treat somebody like that.
Further, I have been having a lot of people email me about their fear of coming persecution and abuse.
If I survived that situation with Levi without knowing Jesus Christ, think of how we will be able to overcome WHEN you know Jesus Christ. I mean, I do believe God was always there for me, even though I did not know it at the time.
However, now that I know Jesus Christ, I seriously fear nothing that they can do to my body. I know this may sound weird, but maybe because I was tortured, I am telling you that it is nothing compared to losing your soul or the emotional anguish of turning against God.
I would take a million beatings by Levi again before I gave up my soul because I now understand what God has given me.
Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.
Persecution is coming. Anybody telling you that isn't going to happen is a false prophet. However, with God on our sides, who can be against us?
When we have Jesus Christ, we become fearless. You see, Levi controlled me through fear. He had complete control over me because I was scared of him.
Right now, you are being controlled by fear - even the fear of coming persecution. We have to completely let go of that fear to Jesus Christ.
The fear that they use explains what you are seeing in society, especially with the cognitive dissonance, and this fear is contagious. They used Covid as a trauma event, laced with fear, and now, the people you see around you are a result of that. You all reading were victims, too, but you, like me, are facing the truth of your abuse. This is not easy.
This is why we need Jesus Christ. It sounds corny, but it is so true. We have to recognize that in the coming months that our abusers, like Levi, will do anything to make us fear. If we give into their fear, we are under that control.
When I stopped fearing Levi, I was able to escape, and at least for some time, I was at peace. He did try to come after me, but I think God protected me somehow, someway, even though I didn't believe in Him at the time.
Now that I know Jesus Christ, I have no doubt that I have nothing to fear. To retell a story I heard once before, there was a woman who had a vision of the future. She and her daughter would not take the mark, and they were to be beheaded.
She and her daughter went through with it, and the next moment, they woke up in Heaven with Jesus. The mother said, "It was actually really easy to die for Jesus. There was nothing to be afraid of, after all. It was easy!"
To non-Christians, this sounds brutal. For Christians, I find it extremely uplifting.
Think of the worst things you've overcome in your life. Believe it or not, this story of Levi is NOT the worst thing I have overcome, and hopefully, as I write this testimony, I can be more and more honest about events of my life.
My life has been very brutal. For those who read more of it, they will understand why I later had struggles with drinking and what happened to me.
For Levi, I don't want to paint him as a villain. In fact, I forgive him. I talked to him a few years ago, and he was still drinking, with another, older woman who looked like me. I don't know what happened to him after that phone call. He could be in jail. He could be dead. I don't know. I did tell him about Jesus. Maybe he will change his mind before it is too late.
For so many years I couldn't forgive him, but I am free from him now. I understand that he was ruled by demons and had his own terror stories of abuse. I sincerely pray he is doing better now in life, and maybe one day we will cross paths again. I don't know.
Life can be really sad. It is hard to write this and not cry, and really, I am crying at this moment. I am crying because of all the suffering and unheard voices in this world. Despite my tragic story, there are so many out there who have gone through worse than me, way worse than what I write here. There are those tortured in Satanic ritual abuse ceremonies as we speak, but do any of us think to pray for them?
I guess what the purpose of this post is to say is that if I can get through that terrible situation with my weak self without even knowing God (though He knew me), then we can do anything through Jesus Christ who strengthens us.
For anyone who has been in near death situations multiple times like I have, you realize that the little worries of life are almost nothing.
All of these experiences have made me see the truth of evil in the world, and that search for why evil exists eventually led me to Jesus Christ.
Sometimes we are angry at God because we ask, "God, how could you allow me to go through this?"
But isn't it weird, that possibly thousands of people will now read my testimony of all my pain and torture, and I can say, "Thank you God for allowing me life experiences so I found Jesus Christ and can help others in their situations."
You see, that's why I am so good at talking to people all around the world. When people come to me, I don't think I have a seed of judgment in me anymore. All I want to do is help and give them hope, and this hope is Jesus.
There is hope despite our suffering. There is great hope, despite what is coming. There will be things that are possible through God and only through Him.
That is why it is now time to take refuge in Him. I can't promise you won't suffer, but I do promise you that if you suffer for Jesus Christ, it will be worth it.
In the next part of my testimony, I will be writing on idolization. I hope this true part of my life helps somebody reading.
God bless you all in Jesus's name,
- Witness 2