My Testimony Part 13: Be Careful Who You Marry!
This is part 13 of my testimony series, and you can view all of them here. This is a brutally honest testimony about the time I married the wrong person, and the true lesson about overcoming the idol of romantic and worldly love. I also am not dealing with Pharisees judging me. I have given my sins to God, and He has forgiven them in Jesus's name. I am covered by His blood. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. This testimony does not make me look good, but it's the truth.
Introduction - Escaping Layne
(To note, some of the beginning of this may be a review to give context to the story.)
This testimony leaves off when I was in the process of escaping my abusive and literally insane ex-boyfriend. I know people often overuse the word abuse, but you can check out the testimony for more information.
Toward the end of escaping my relationship with Layne, I ran into a different man - a man who worked, who seemed more stable - who wasn't going to beat me.
The first time I talked to him, I was still with Layne. I was waiting on tables, and he came to pick up some food for his friends. I sat down, wearing my red waitressing shirt, black pants, and an apron, and I chatted with him.
I found him very handsome. He had dark hair, slicked back, and dark eyes. He was wearing all black. He was thin but muscular. I found him dark and mysterious. I was very drawn to him, and it felt as though there was something pulling me into him - I was magnetically attracted to him.
He also seemed smart, which I certainly liked. Trying to impress me, he started talking about psychology. Though I enjoyed our conversation, I was with Layne, and I thought I'd never see him again. I came across many men per day as a waitress, and you know, they come and they go. Still, I called my sister up and told her, “I just ran into the most intriguing man.” I think she just rolled her eyes in response. Still, I thought I’d never see him again.
Well, you all know that isn't true, or I wouldn't be writing this. I kept running into him, and in fact, he was friends with the people Layne partied with often. I used to not attend the parties, but now I wanted the opportunity to run into this mysterious man. Layne wasn't suspicious at all, thinking I was so in love with him and I would never leave him. Plus, he controlled me through fear and physical abuse, and he thought I would never escape.
So, I started going to the parties, and hanging out, and even drinking a little - though believe it or not, I wasn't much of a drinker at the time. Whenever the dark and mysterious man, Ethan, was there, my heart would flutter.
One night, when we were sitting on the couch at one of these parties, and I finally had the courage to tell Ethan that Layne was beating me and I didn't know how to escape. He listened. He hugged me, as I cried. While he didn’t offer a solution, I felt as though he believed me and was there.
Of course, I was simply falling in love with Ethan, trying to formulate a plan to escape.
One weekend, I went on a trip with Layne, and he was already drinking from the morning. For whatever reason, out of nowhere, he started punching me while I was driving. I knew if I didn't pull over, I was going to get in a major car accident. I pulled over, and I tried to jump out of the car. He punched the windshield, shattered it, and then he grabbed my shirt and tore it off. I was pretty much half naked.
A man came running out of a business and asked if I was okay. By then, Layne had run off into the distance. I didn't know what to do. I went into my car, but my phone was dead. Why didn’t I call the cops? This is just part of being in an abusive relationship. You don’t quite operate correctly, and oftentimes, cops will not do anything and the situation gets worse.
After calming down, I drove to a hotel with my cracked windshield and checked in. I then went to a nearby store and bought a charger for my phone.
I called Ethan. Ethan told me I needed to escape that relationship. I listened - though I didn’t know how. However, I felt like Ethan allowed me to realize that it was okay to leave. He kind of was a key to my escape.
That day, I sat in the hotel pondering how to get out of the relationship without dying. I knew Ethan was right, but I really was trapped in several ways. For one, I was living with Layne, and all of my stuff was there. Second, I didn't want him to beat me anymore. Third, and probably most sadly, I still had some love for him but this was not true love. This was some strange type of love based on fear.
At the time, I didn't know about God or how to pray. Still, I think he was watching over me.
Layne's mom called, and asked to come see me. I thought I was safe because she was with Layne, so I let them know where the hotel was located. Big mistake.
Layne walked into the hotel room, with his mom and aunt, and he started punching me. His mom jumped on him, and stopped him, but at that moment, I had a revelation. It thought,
"If he can punch me now in front of his family, there is no stopping him. He is going to kill me."
That night, I did not yell at Layne or fight with him. I realized that was futile. I did not ask him to say sorry. I went to bed, and I said goodnight. In my head, I made my plans of escape. This was the first time I did not put up a fight, knowing that it would end in physical assault. I kept quiet, and I thought of my war plan.
To be honest, I actually do not quite fully recall how I was able to get out of this relationship, but I slowly started moving out - a scaffolded plan. I can only think God was protecting me, not allowing him to be instigated to anger, so I could escape. As I moved out of his house, I remember the day I brought my key to his house for the last time.
I told him, "Do not come to me at the end of the summer. I won't be there."
Our relationship was over, and I was able to start seeing Ethan openly, and I fell in love with him.
Again, I do not quite know how I actually escaped other than the grace of God. It was summer, and Layne really wanted to party, and I think he really did believe he could get me back at the end of the summer. I believe this was a supernatural operation, and I am thankful I finally was brave enough to leave. To this day, I cannot fully comprehend how I left the relationship without Layne killing me, but now I believe God had intervened, and I thank Him that I didn't die. Thank you, Jesus Christ, for rescuing me many times.
Moving on, I wanted to be with Ethan.
Ethan and I were complete opposites in every way. His family were Jehovah's Witnesses, and I wrote about that here. Names have been changed, so sorry for lack of consistency in names.
To avoid redundancy, I want to write only new information for the rest of this post, so please read my previous testimonies for more detailed information. Again this is a quick summary and review for some context for readers, so I apologize if it is a little lacking. Now, let’s get to the new part.
Love of the World - Marriage to the World
Ethan and I fell in love but not through God, and that was the mistake. Because our relationship did not start with God, it would not be able to work out. It wasn't destined by God nor was it ordained by him. The best way I can explain the following testimony is that my marriage to this man was not with honor in Jesus Christ. The question is this: When people get married outside of Christ, is it even true marriage?
In the initial honeymoon phase, I can say that Ethan and I were truly in love, at least in a superficial and worldly sense. I think we were sexually attracted to each other, enjoyed each other's company, and we had a lot of the same interests. We also loved to party and drink together, and we loved to go to Las Vegas especially and party. We threw many parties at our house, and I was always a fun and lively host. We enjoyed camping together, and we enjoyed my pursuit of photography together. We had fun together and we enjoyed each other’s company. Still, we did not love each other in Christ - we loved the world and our relationship kept us in the world.
I have to be honest, if Ethan ever reads this - I think he was and is a good man - just one haunted by demons, and I didn't have the capacity, at the time, to deliver him or even begin to understand that. This testimony is not to paint him as a villain, and I actually still pray for him every single day. Further, I do not claim to be any perfect angel in this relationship. I can honestly say, we both cheated on each other, harmed each other, and were functioning alcoholics. We were both sinners, not Christian, and completely lost and tortured individuals. This is not a testimony to paint me to look good. This is the version of my former self that I have overcome. I post my humiliating testimonies to help others, in hope others do not have to go through the same mistakes as me and can overcome their sins.
At the beginning of our relationship, we were happy because it was all new and fresh. We had hope. We had potential, and we had fun. However, both of us were abandoned by our families, and we really had a lot of mental issues. We'd work hard, we'd come home, and we would just collapse on the couch and watch movies or TV. Alcohol was an added plus.
Believe it or not, we both sought out therapy during this time, which helped, but it just didn’t get to the root of our issues which were spiritual.
So what I want readers to understand is that in many ways, in the world, we were compatible. However, we were not compatible through God, and any marriage without God, even if it works out, isn't a true marriage. There can really be no true love and marriage without Christ. I get that there may be readers with a partner who is not Christian, and I understand that pain. That is very painful, and you have to decide what God wants you to do. I will say this - this is just my testimony, and what was right for me may not be right for someone else. Please pray and discern all your decisions, and I am NOT responsible for anyone’s stupidity in Jesus’s name. This is just my unique experience, and I am not saying what is right for me is right for anyone else.
Rather, I am testifying in hopes my honesty will help someone out there, perhaps in the wrong relationship.
Honeymoon Over
Overtime, all the "newness" of the relationship faded. We still loved each other; however, we were bored with each other. We spent a lot of time and money on materialism and Mammon, but it couldn’t quite fill the void in our relationship.
I would maintain, even at this point, that I did love him. However, this love was limited to the world. We loved each other and were comfortable with each other, but that was the extent of it. Perhaps we had eros love, or ludus love, or even manic love, but we did not have agape love - the love of Jesus Christ:
One night we went camping. At the time, I was learning German on Duolingo, and we didn't have much service. I told him I was going to drive down the road to practice the app, and I would be back soon. I was really serious about learning German, and to this day, I really enjoy learning languages and still do!
When I came back, I saw dozens of candles lit in the forest. I then realized what was about to happen. He was about to propose to me.
He went down on one knee, with a shining, illuminated diamond ring. I didn't know what else to do but say "Yes" after he made his speech of his love for me.
We sat and celebrated the whole night, of course with some alcohol, but in my heart, I knew something was very, very wrong. I was in shock, and I couldn't quite digest what had just happened.
I believe this was God speaking to me, and this feeling I was having was me avoiding it. I took a lot of extra shots that night, and finally I slipped into that alcohol bliss.
I do not think I was supposed to go through with the engagement, but I felt as if I had no choice. Why? In order to maintain my outward, worldly, seemingly-perfect life, the next logical step was to marry Ethan. Note, I did not consider the more spiritual worldview (Elisha's Razor).
I loved the world, and the world we had together. While I was exploring God, I didn't quite know Him yet, and I figured I could make this marriage work.
Every day after that, I woke up and completely denied the voice telling me not to marry him.
The Wedding
During the course of my engagement, I drew closer to Jesus Christ, though I wasn't quite "all there yet." Each day, I had extreme doubts about my marriage, but I just hid them and I decided to ignore them fully.
We spent a lot of money on that wedding, and it was stunning. In fact, our wedding pictures were in a few magazines, and I even had one of me as a bride in a wedding magazine.
The wedding itself went perfectly. For all intents and purposes, it was a lovely wedding, and everything went smoothly.
Before the ceremony, I asked the man in charge of our vows if I could add some Bible verses to his speech, but he said he wasn't going to make any last minute changes. Now that I reflect, that should have been a sign.
Still, the ceremony was gorgeous, though it was also sorrowful. My mom was too sick to attend, and Ethan's mom and dad did not show up because they were Jehovah's Witnesses and did not support our marriage. There was some sorrow in that way in the day, but if we were just measuring outward appearances, it went well. From an outward stance, it was a lovely wedding - bridal magazine worthy, even.
On stage, my dad was pretty hammered and he said, "All I want are grandchildren", and I smiled. I couldn't even begin picturing have a child at that time, but I thought about it.
Before the night ended, I looked at my phone, just once. Obviously, it was my wedding day, so I wasn't on it throughout the day. I saw a text from none other than Witness 1 (the new mysterious man). He said, "Where are you? I missed you."
I didn't reply right away, but I definitely was not telling him I was getting married. In my mind, Witness 1 was some crazy guy in another state, and I did not have to tell him all about my life. I justified why I would not tell him in any way I could.
Deep down - and I think readers know this - I knew if I told him I was married he probably wouldn't want to talk to me. So, I didn't tell him. He did know I was with Ethan, but I never told him we were getting married. Since I figured I never would meet Witness 1, I wasn't really concerned. Since I figured I would never be with Witness 1, I just buried it all in the back of my mind. [He is laughing as I read this out loud.]
Just so readers know, I do not think this was morally correct, and I didn't at the time either. I wasn't a really good person, and as you can see, I was in love with the world. I was making all the wrong choices because of my love of the world, and I wanted to preserve my life. Clearly this was wrong, and I was double-minded. I am not justifying any of this - just giving an honest testimony.
I was certainly a double-minded person and unstable in all ways.
Overall, the photographers did well, people celebrated, and then Ethan and I went on with our lives. Witness 1 was, of course, was in the back of my mind.
Soon after the wedding, I bought a new dog, a puppy, and I still own her. I think I was trying to fill something empty inside of me. I personally did not want kids at the time, and I often just was lost in weekends of partying. This dog I have is a memory of my former life. I tell her that God chose her to help me through hard times. This is not really her, but just a visual image for readers:
Time continued to march on.
I remember one night, after we were married, I was laying in bed, and I went out to check on Ethan. He was passed out on the couch after some drinking, so I grabbed his phone, and I saw he was flirting with someone on Snapchat with naked pictures and such.
Right there, my heart cracked. I felt it actually crack. I seriously, physically felt it crack.
I didn't say anything to him. I went back into my bed, drank some vodka, and laid down. I did love him, but that betrayal was enough to crack my heart. I should have ended the relationship right there, but I didn't.
I buried it, and I thought, "If he can do what he wants, I can, too."
I decided not to hold back much anymore. I figured we could live together with benefits, plus we could have our own fun on the side. It really was strange and I cannot fully explain the mentality of this. This was a completely double-minded mentality. Before you judge too harshly, more people cheat than you can imagine, and this is just what people admit to in statistics.
Here was my mentality: We were married, but if he can do what he wants, so can I.
Disconnection
In the world, I was successful. I had a career, family, friends, and success in my photography ventures. I was married, we lived in a nice house, and Ethan was a hard worker. So was I. On the outside, we were happy.
As this marriage progressed, obviously, I was not that happy. Our sex life dwindled, and I was flirting with many men. He was pursuing his hidden romantic interests, but we kept up an illusion of marriage. Again, I think this marriage was just built on a complete lie. I am not even sure what else to say regarding it - it's so ridiculous.
I, personally, and brutally honestly, talked to many men and had many men pursuing me. I was drunk half the time, and Snapchat was a great way to talk to these men. Yes, I talked to Witness 1, too, and he would tell me he was in love with me. I would just laugh thinking, "Tell that to the other 15 men." To note, Witness 1 wasn't a "simp" but for whatever reason, he was holding out for me. Maybe he can insert something here when I read this to him. He said, "She was attractive and worth holding out for."
Look, again, I know this doesn't paint me well. I have to write my testimony honestly. I was a daughter, a whore, of Babylon. That is the truth.
In the end, I never went "too far" with these men. Still, cheating is cheating. I would send sexual pictures, flirtations, and all of them knew I was married, and they didn't care - except Witness 1. He didn't know I was married. Still, he knew I was in a relationship, and he was just waiting me to break up with Ethan.
Now, Ethan wasn't any better. At night, I'd wake up, and I didn't know where he went. I now understand he was out having sex with people...maybe even men? I will never know for certain.
You know, people can judge, but a lot of modern marriages are like this. Lots of secrets. Lots of hidden things. Lots of lies. You'd be surprised how many people are cheating. A lot of the men I talked to were married. Most of them, actually.
To note, I did feel guilty, but I just drank my pain away. I was trapped - I didn't want to get a divorce. However, the marriage was a disaster. It's important to note I had great and deep pain from my childhood and life in general, which you can read about in my other testimonies.
One weekend we went camping and partying, and let's just say I woke up completely disgusted with myself. I knew Jesus and I thought, "I need to get baptized and start my life over."
I have written the story of my baptism here.
It was a deeply profound and spiritual moment, and something in me really did change that day. I knew I had to get my life right with God, but how?
Telling the Truth
I decided it was time to cut down on drinking and start telling the truth. Now that I was baptized, I had to face Jesus Christ Himself and all of my sins, which were many. I started changing, not talking to as many men, as well as writing more online for God. In fact, I started writing an insane amount online, gaining a following. I wrote much about conspiracies and even Jesus. I still have much of my former writing, and here is one:
My Former Writing - Not Edited - Schadenfreude
Introduction
You have probably heard the term, Schadenfreude before, which essentially means to experience joy in another's pain or suffering. According to Wikipedia,
"Researchers have found that there are three driving forces behind schadenfreude: aggression, rivalry, and justice. People who experience schadenfreude usually have low self esteem.Seeing another person fail brings them a small surge of confidence. Whereas, seeing someone who is successful poses as a threat to their sense of self and seeing the 'mighty' fall can be a source of comfort[4]."
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schadenfreude
You can read more about the psychology of Schadenfreude here:
https://www.livescience.com/17398-schadenfreude-affirmation.html
So, while all of us undoubtedly have taken pleasure in another's suffering at least once before, the problem is that schadenfreude is being normalized as just a regular part of our lives, especially because of social media:
https://slate.com/technology/2014/10/social-media-schadenfreude-is-real-say-researchers.html
But even worse, science says it turns us into "temporary psychopaths":
https://www.thecut.com/2018/11/schadenfreude-turns-you-into-a-temporary-psychopath.html
According to the article, "When we’re able to empathize with the victim, or imagine their thoughts and feelings, we’re less likely to experience schadenfreude. In the absence of that empathy, and in taking joy (however brief) in someone else’s pain, we may be as close to psychopathic as most of us will ever get."
A little schadenfreude is natural from time to time, but what happens when we live in a society where this temporary feeling starts to seep permanently into nearly every aspect of our society? Well, that is what I am going to explore in this post.
Desensitization
One way that schadenfreude is promoted is through desensitization. Think about all of the subreddits, for example, devoted to mocking others. I am subscribed to many of them, from /r/cringepics to /r/insanepeoplefacebook. Again, the problem may not be an ounce of schadenfreude here and there. Rather, it is that when we become overexposed to it, we become desensitized to it, and we literally stop feeling for others.
I have struggled with eating disorders my entire life, and because of my insecurities, I took great pleasure in sites that mocked fat people, such as /r/fatpeoplehate. I scanned image after image, never actually feeling for the people in the photos. One day, it hit me though, that what I was doing was wrong. I never looked at the subreddit again. (PS I will examine banning subreddits later in this post, and why our political correctness does not counter hate).
Anyway, the point is, I normalized and desensitized myself from feeling anything for anybody in those photos.
And this desensitization is happening on a huge scale in our society; technology is simply making us less empathetic:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brain-bootcamp/201102/is-technology-making-us-less-empathic
Perhaps the opposite of schadenfreude is empathy, something severely lacking today.
Power
I am sure by now you heard about the girl who encouraged her boyfriend to kill himself through texting:
I urge you to read the entire texting conversation if you get a chance. It was shocking.
As I reflected on the article, I tried to empathize with the girl. What would make a regular teenage girl do something so atrocious? Sure, we all did shitty things as teens, but we are seeming more shocking cases like this, such as teens filming people dying.
Though I am not a psychologist, and we could all provide different theories, I started to realize it was likely about some sense of power for the girl. After all, all forms of abuse are ultimately about power and control:
https://www.hcwc.org/what-is-abuse/
Our society, today, has given many of us a false sense of power, especially on the internet. When we scroll through social media, for example, we feel a sense of control - we know what everybody is up to! On top of that, it may even make us feel powerful, especially when anonymity is involved like on Reddit. As someone who has been frequently harassed by users on Reddit, I will tell you those users never saw me as a person.
People would say, "It's just the internet - do not take it so seriously." But some comments hurt me deeply, and I have no doubt my harrasess experienced schadenfreude every time they hurt me, perhaps the ultimate motivation for hurting me altogether.
The internet is the perfect place for hate to thrive:
https://www.makeuseof.com/tag/internet-thriving-environment-hate-trolling-opinion/
PS: I am not anti-free speech online, and I will explain why later in this post.
Adult Role Models
When kids are being bullied, we tell them to tell an adult. Unfortunately, as actual adults, if we are experiencing bullying in real life, there is usually little we can do. You may not hear much about adult bullying, but it certainly exists:
http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/adult-bullying.html
I dealt directly with a bully who terrorized me at a job I had. Though I documented and reported it, nothing ever happened. Sure, some may say, "Suck it up - you're an adult!" - but there lies the problem.
Kids learn from adult role models, and what our society is essentially telling kids is "do as I say, not as I do." This is disastrous for our children.
Though we here constantly about "love" and "anti-bullying campaigns", are they really effective? Not according to current suicide statistics, especially for children and teens:
https://amp.usatoday.com/amp/356539001
We can say "be nice" all day long, but kids are seeing a much harsher reality, especially when they access nearly anything online at anytime.
Further, kids today are lacking solid role models:
As families break down, kids are being raised by the internet. Their role models may be YouTube celebrities who prank or bully others. They are not learning about empathy online, that's for sure, as they watch the top 10 cringiest "insert title here."
But even for those with adult role models, are parents today really doing a good job of modeling empathetic behavior...as they yell at the waitress at the restaurant? According to the following article, "empathetic parenting is the antithesis of narcissism":
What are kids learning from parents today?
Self-Hatred
Despite all the movements for self-love and self-acceptance, there is a rise of severe self-esteem issues in our society:
https://graziadaily.co.uk/life/real-life/study-shows-millenials-full-self-loathing-hard/
Social media does not help, as people are constantly comparing themselves to everyone's fantastic life:
Sure, some of you have control of it, but for many of us, it is not so easy. I know Christmas time will be difficult this year as I lay sick in bed, and see all the smiling, happy families (Also, my family sucks).
But let's go back to schadenfreude. As mentioned earlier, my pleasure in the pictures of the fat people was actually about my lack of self worth and value.
If we do not value or love ourselves, how can we value or love others...or even feel for them? Schadenfreude is on the rise because we feel like shit about ourselves.
The Conspiracy
None of this is probably a surprise to most of you, but I am here to claim that a Godless generation will ultimately only worship themselves. Even if you are an atheist or agnostic, please do not downvote solely because of that.
Today, more than ever, people are "losing their religion", and atheism is on the rise:
Here is where the problem lies for our upcoming generations. Consistency is morals and values are being broken down in society. I have met many atheists who still subscribe to some foundational Christian values because they see the positive impact it has on their lives and children. But is that what people are doing today?
Let me be clear...this is not just about the atheists. In fact, as a Christian, I know other Christians can be the biggest hypocrites of them all, not really practicing what they preach.
Whatever your beliefs, when God is taken out of our day to day lives, moral relativism emerges, and there are many problems with it:
https://www.equip.org/article/philosophical-problems-with-moral-relativism/
"By dogmatically asserting that there is no truth, people have become close-minded to the possibility of knowing truth, if in fact it does exist."
When we start to lose a sense of objective reality, right and wrong blur together. Further, without a belief in one objective truth, people may not seek truth. They may give up.
Life becomes meaningless and empty, and without value, we stop valuing ourselves. We stop valuing others. And the only thing that makes us feel anything anymore is schadenfreude for others.
Whatever you believe, I say never stop seeking the truth. For those in power, making people content with a meaningless existence seems to be working out perfectly.
A Note on Censorship
Hate will always exist, and trying to censor it will not make it go away. In fact, it may even give rise to it.
Rather, no matter what we believe, if we made empathy a priority in our own lives and society, we would see less hate. Sure, it would never all go away, but maybe Instagram would be a healthier place for teens if we instilled empathy in them at a young age. The problems that we face on the internet are a direct reflection of problems in society.
Clearly, this probably is not going to happen any time soon, but I believe we have to start somewhere, even if it is with just ourselves.
Maybe we cannot change the whole world, but individual lives matter, too - even ours.
"We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.” - Carl Rogers
Anyway, I spent a lot of time writing, seeking the truth. I also started praying.
One night, I decided to tell Witness 1 the truth. I texted him, "I have something important to tell you. You might want to stop talking to me after."
In my heart, I decided it was time to live truthfully, even with these strange men.
So, I called him and told him, "I am married."
He said he still wanted to talk to me and was still in love with me, and he thought that it was going to be something worse. Haha.
I felt relieved, though, telling the truth.
I started living more truthfully, and I thought that maybe I should give my relationship with Ethan one last real try - despite all the adultery, drinking, and sins.
Soon after, Ethan and I decided to move. This was a big deal, and we thought it would help our marriage and relationship.
Turns out, the move actually made our marriage worse. I am not sure what happened after this move, but all hope for our relationship was lost.
We were drinking more, eating poorly, and we were miserable. I was working for somewhere completely evil and Satanic, and that is another story. Later on, I found Ethan had been pursuing many girls, and I had just lost all motivation to care. At this time, Witness 1 was always there for me, and he became my best friend and taught me about Jesus Christ.
For my testimony on Witness 1, that will be an entire other post coming up. I cannot express my feelings for him adequately here. I was in love with him though, and he was in love with me, and this was through the agape love of Christ - not worldly love.
One day, I went to the park to pray. There was a park near my house, and I sat on the green, soft grass, and I just asked God this,
"What should I do? I don't know what to do. I know divorce is wrong in the Bible. What do I do?"
I cried and went home.
Each night became increasingly worse.
Ethan's drinking accelerated, and so did mine. While we never really fought, we definitely drifted away from each other.
In fact, things just started to grow more dysfunctional. We were both miserably depressed.
One night, I had a dream. This was the beginning, I think, of spiritual dreams I would have from that point on.
An angel visited me, and she put up a timer. She said that I had to make a choice, and that if I stayed with Ethan, I would never have a family or fulfill my destiny. She then told me I was supposed to tell Ethan the truth.
In the next few days, I sat with Ethan, on the couch, and I poured out the truth upon him - every lie, every indiscretion, everything I had done wrong.
However, he did not say much to me, except that he cheated on me when I was on a work trip. I then asked him:
"Is there any way you can ever come to Jesus Christ?"
He said no. I wanted to make sure of that one thing.
We both agreed the marriage was over, and there was not much we could do.
That very night, he asked, and I'm not lying, if he could bring a prostitute to our house. I said, "You can go with a prostitute, but you cannot have her in the house."
So he left.
The Humiliation
The divorce process is relatively easy when both parties agreed. Just to note, we did not get married under God, so I can't even say our marriage was biblical. Still, we had biblical grounds for divorce, including adultery, being unequally yoked, and much more. However, even if we didn't, God can forgive anything, and I believe God has forgiven me for this false marriage. I don't really feel it was ever wanted by God, I disobeyed Him, and there were consequences. The point is even if we did not have biblical grounds and we divorced in sin, God can even forgive that. The point all readers need to understand is that I was a sinner on every level, and I did not obey God by marrying this man. We had many valid reasons to divorce, and I'm not going to justify further to the world. No one has a right to judge me, especially because every single person in Babylon is full of sin. There are very few righteous.
The first part of the consequence was everyone finding out and hating me. So many came out of the woodwork to judge me, ask me questions, and gossip.
My family called me screaming, and pretending they cared about our marriage at all. They never did.
I don't think Ethan and I ended up having any hatred for each other. There is more to the end of this story, and I can't include it all here.
The divorce looked bad upon me, ruined my reputation, and it definitely was humiliating.
However, it helped me give up a lot.
Remember, I married for the world. Now, I was, quite literally, divorcing the world.
Witness 1 had been waiting for me that whole time, and...well...that's for another testimony.
For now, I write this testimony as a warning for readers. Be careful not only who you marry, but who you decide to have relationships with. Once you get married, it's very difficult and much more complicated to leave.
In the end, I would like to say that even though this was a painful testimony, writing it is freeing.
When I divorced Ethan, I was free from so much of the world. For the first time in my life, I didn't have to worry what anyone thought because my reputation was ruined.
I called up Witness 1, and I stated, "So, tell me about 9/11."
That's where The Two Witnesses came together.
This story is not over. My testimonies are not finished.
To be continued...
With love,
Elisha aka Witness 2
